Pat Schlosser


Oh for the love of god if anyone calls me "Big Guy" again I'm going to pull a "HULK" move on someone. We get it, I'm tall, I'm large, I'M HUGE. I also brought the funk in and slapped you in the face with it. Born in Ludlow in 1981 I fashioned my first bass from a larger bass. When that one broke I built a deck and used those profits to by new stuff. Since then it's been an addiction and in 1998 Ryan and I put our "guitarists" to good use and started playing rock and roll, later forming The Wankers.

Pat added the signature bass to what would later be known as The Wankers' sound. To bad we lost contact with the big guy, we wish him well. I've played in such memorable acts as "Haleymill", "The Deltoids" and "Margin of Error"

Ryan Schwass


To know Ryan is to know the heart of The Wankers, the glue if you will. Longing to play faster, harder and louder than his "talented" friends, he approached his comrades and slapped together what is now The Wankers key set list. Living and dwelling in Ludlow, the house of many visitors, he didn't leave his beloved estate until after graduation, when his friends started to disappear. Countless were the days that Ryan spent in his hot, half renovated house on "Queen City" going over and over songs with Pat. The entire summer of 2000 saw revision after revision of badly timed songs slapped together without the aid of a rhythm section. The Beatles had "The Cavern","The Who" had  "The Marquee" and The Wankers had Ryan's house. In Ludlow damn near every Wanker song was conceived and originally practiced. This was before Cincinnati, before jobs, before people moved away. This was high school baby. Sure the cops were called, parents yelled, siblings got in the way, but dammit, we knew it was going to be grand!

Ryan works hard trying to keep The Wankers afloat. Booking shows, promoting, building the website and trying to keep his boys on target, can be a hard job. Especially when the other members of the band are literally wankers. What, you think we just made that up?

Ryan has also played in FRA with Lou from Peru and has an evil brother Lazy Ass Destroyer.

Lou Cheech


This articulate drummer, the third in Wanker history, has a very asinine style. He's got various interests in Music, but none can top his love for "THE WHO"

Lou from Peru, as he is dubbed (really he's from Peru) was found by Bass player Pat, during 3rd shift at DHL. Where Lou no longer resides. He also drives the huge ass Wanker mobile.

He can rock any type any time any where, and he usually will. Even tough he is very forgetful, is always late, and has an odd sense of rumor this boy brings the old old school to the mix.

Lou has played in:
"THE BLAZE": Classic Rock, British invasion
"DUH" & "DULT" & "Rude Awakening": Funk punk and roll!!  "The Cirrus Bros":  classified  respectfully as Hippy Shit. "MR MOJO": Blues traditional recycled "MOJO": which was a Grunge style band
"LESLIE NEISON CONSPIRACY": strident improvisational psychedelic lazy fussionistic Funk and Roll with the absence of punk & garage.

Matt Frimming


HA! You said Frimming. Matt is the renaissance wanker. for a long time he was our rock steady back up drummer (and still is), but now 'The Kid' rocks out on guitar. Matt doesn't really participate in the onstage antics much, but he adds levels of noise unsurpassed to The Wankers. He has the craziest guitar style we have ever heard, making this youngster irreplaceable.

We found this kid hanging around with Ryan's Brothers Band, Wilson's Lips, or something like that, we said, "ay, you. They suck, we rule. Drop the zeros get with the Heros!" - He did. Matt here also does his own solo shit, which fuckin' rules, but don't tell him that, he don't take compliments to well!! But We Love You MATT!!

Matt has played in groups such as: "Molly's Lips" (a Tribute to Nirvana) "Wilsons Pain" (a Tribute to Weezer) "Schwartz" (a Tribute to Crap) and "Wilson has a Pain in his Schwartz" (a Tribute to Weezana) and his newest project, "Eukanuba Jesus" and "Cookie Jarvis"

Jeremy Hensley


Jeremy plays keyboards in the band. A first in Wankers history. He added a fuller sound to the Wankers all ready crazy range. Although Jeremy came to the band when we all ready had a full set list, we enjoyed what he did so much that we included him on our full length that we had been working on for a year prior. We are not exactly sure if he took that project too seriously though. But we had fun.
He has a MicroKORG synthesizer/vocoder and a 1970's Crummar Tocatta Organ.

Now you can see him hanging out with his girlfriend Carol or playing with Eukanuba Jesus. He also plays drums/bass/and the didgeridoo an Australian wind instrument made from a gum tree branch hollowed out by termites. He also plays "Drums in Dancing in Isolation". He loves to draw and write music. 

Jeremy has also played in such bands as:
"Inequity Nation" "the Shiznits" "Lost not Forgotton" and his new projects "Eukanuba Jesus", "Type A Music" and "Dancing in Isolation"

Brent Caldwell


Brent was our first Drummer, he came to The Wankers quite by accident, for it was one cold December night when the young group of misfits stumbled, sort of expected like, into a rock and roll shindig, lacking a drummer. Luckily, Brent was there with "the Saint Jude Vigilance Society". Since he was an old friend of the band, he decided to assist this foolish gang, as they let loose on Ludlow for the first time by lying down some crashing beats and drunken whiplash.  This was a grandiose task, seeing how young Brent had never practiced with, or let alone heard any Wanker song.

Brent was really good though. He rocked. I love those Surf Style Jams. He was like a Beat Box. We Miss the Simplicity. Unfortunately, the call of Indie rock and school was to much and he left our ranks, but in our hearts we still hear him, not saying anything.

Brent played in bands such as: "The Throbs"'
"The Deltoids", "Halleymill", and "The Loudmouthed Rodos".

Mark Vancleave


Pulled from a pile of beer cans and empty "papa johns" pizza boxes, this talented, but many a times silent , wrangler of the electric six string, was the most mysterious of The Wankers. A side from dwellings in Ludlow and Elsmere, no one really knows for certain from  whence he came. Originally "discovered" by Ryan, roaming Ludlow's dark black alley ways, Mark and Ryan participated in many a drunken-hoot-a-nanny, toiling for hours upon hours compressing common experiences of wine, women, weed, and wackiness into hit songs that you know today as "Wanker Hits". But to know Mark, you must first know his wily, afore mentioned, counterpart, Ryan. These two spent many a days jamming out and eating whatever would come their way, most of the time for the best. Hanging  from the windows of many apartments, which acted as communes for Ludlow's finest and twisted of the drug culture. they played many a songs, attracting on-lookers from below.